Thawing Out From a Long, Cold Winter

Here in Minnesota we are very happy to say that we think -always a conditional!- that Spring may be here. It has been a long, rugged, snowy and cold winter with snow right up through last week, so we are glad that the trees have finally popped their bud coats and the seasons seem to have changed.

We spent the majority of the fall and winter adapting to being a four-person family. We know from the pre-adoption reading that we did that we have had it really easy as far as post-institutional behavior goes, but there is quite a bit to get used to when you've lived your entire life inside and pretty much in one big room at that.

The hardest part by far has been the constant reassurance and constant physical contact required to give these kids a good shot at bonding well with their new families. When it comes to Thành that has meant saying, "Mama, Papa, Louis, Moby, Thành, that's our family." and then repeating that at his prompt of "Papa?" or "Mama?", up to ten times a minute when he's felt really insecure, up to eight hours a day. If you get the members out of order or if you omit the dog, Thành is more than happy to correct you.

We also do the run-through of everyone he knows, which makes him feel more settled. "Mama loves you, Papa loves you, Louis loves you, Grandma loves you...", etc. We have been meaning to put together a little plasticized photo album for him but we haven't gotten to that yet.

Thành was held quite a bit as an infant, for which we are eternally grateful to the staff of the Bên Tre Care Center, but he absolutely craves the skin-to-skin contact and intimacy that he would have gotten if he had been breast-fed or otherwise tended by his birth mother. Perhaps there is an instinctual drive toward a female, or perhaps I am just a whole lot more cushiony than Ted, but whatever the reason I am the person that Thành wants to touch when he's feeling out of sorts or disconnected.

During the autumn and winter months this meant that Thành was physically on me a great deal of the time we were together. I am a snuggly person, but this invaded even my personal space after a while and got to be really irritating if essential. I got pretty good at smiling instead of running the other way when, any time my midriff was exposed (changing clothes, bending over, using the toilet), my little shadow would squeal with glee and start trying to pull his shirt off for a snuggle.

Things are much better now. We only have to repeat things about half as much and we have all gotten good at repeating things while continuing our regular activities and even other conversations. Thành can now go hours without needing to stick his hand down my shirt into my cleavage (I am now undaunted by this even at the grocery check out) or press his cheek against mine, which is actually quite charming.

Aside from those practices, we are enjoying having two boys immensely. Louis loves having a brother and it has brought out the more tender and patient parts of him, along with a good dose of silly sibling behavior (driving around in matching laundry baskets, water fights, etc.) and only a small spot of “Get the baby out of my LEGOs!”.

It has taken Ted and I a bit of time to get used to not having the time to ourselves that we had prior to Thành’s arrival and I am still suffering somewhat from the split personality of being a Mom with a part-time job. Ted is really great at helping out around the house and picking up where I can’t stretch –we parent very well together, the only project we’ve ever succeeded at doing together! We are thrilled to have another chance to do it.

Thành is a happy, smiley, cheerful fellow with a little bounce in his step. He is the one-man greeting committee of Pleasant Avenue as we walk Louis to school and back. He waves like a Dairy Princess in a parade, he says “’ello” to people and about three weeks ago he though he was pretty smart when he started saying “Morning” to people like I do. When you have a toddler parroting your speech you notice a lot of quirks, like how we drop the good in “good morning” here in the Midwest and the like.

Thành is very observant and he knows that you only say “Morning” on the way to school and never on the way back. He watches to see which pocket Ted puts his keys in and then carefully stores his (play) keys on the same side. He wants to do anything that Louis does and it takes some diligence on our part to keep tricky Louis from doing stupid things just to see if his brother will do it. There’s never a dull moment.

All fall and winter we walked Louis to school, sometimes on sleds, sometimes on scooters and trike. Thành, who has gotten the nickname "The Butler" from Louis, prides himself on carrying Louis' lunch the whole way. In the fall he couldn't believe that he couldn't stay at school with all of the other kids (if you think about it, it was probably really weird for him to be home alone with only me after living with a bunch of other kids his entire life) and he was thrilled and probably a little relieved when he started going four days a week 9-3 to a tiny Montessori-based day care about a mile from our house.

This winter we were outside quite a bit enjoying the deep snow. Thành proved to be quite daring, loving the big sledding hill and going down on his own when the adults were too busy jabbering. He doesn’t mind snow in his face, happily put on his snow suit, neck warmer, mitts, hat and boots and then took them all off and put them all away. We’re hoping that his orderliness lasts through his life and that it’s not just an orphanage aberration!

As you will see in the Spring Slide Show, Thành loves water and loves to play in the tub. He and Louis would spend hours in the tub and we can hardly wait to put up the pool for them to mess around in. Ted, Louis and Thành took their first trip to Lake Calhoun this week to dig in the sand. Thành was thrilled but after stepping barefoot on the sand he quickly asked to have his socks and shoes put back on. A little to messy for him. He has learned, finally, that you can wipe anything that might be on your hand onto your pants.

We’re all thrilled by the coming of spring and look forward to all sorts of outdoor activities now that the frost has come out of the ground. The latest snow has fallen in Minnesota is 27 May, but we don’t think we’re going to break that record this year. We hope not, at least!